Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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