Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
pop tarts are not kleenex
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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