I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
