Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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