My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
