We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
