feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
