i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize