Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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