Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
