I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
