So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
