i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize