I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
