Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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