In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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