my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
