The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
