I just saw a hot homeless man
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
