Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
