I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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