me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize