i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
