genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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