I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I still have a little drunk in my system
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
