I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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