It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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