yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
