Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize