thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
