You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
