....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
