I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
