Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
