dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
