Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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