I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
