o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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