I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
