Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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