I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize