if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
from now on my penis is your penis
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
