i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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