She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize