So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
