shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
