Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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