i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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