did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
