Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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