I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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