Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
