just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
