i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
