If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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