went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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