Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
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