When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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