if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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