ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
